This looks familiar. Every time it looks like I'm having good luck, I do something amazingly, incredibly stupid to screw it up. And every time I do I always say "I was doing the right thing. I was putting others ahead of me. I can take being disappointed, I can take being unhappy, just as long as the ones I love are okay, as long as they can be happy, I can be content."

But damn, when is it my turn? When will I hold on to my good luck instead of being a sucker and handing it over to someone else? When am I going to stop letting people use me, stop listening to people who say they care for me but still screw with my head and screw me over at the first good chance they get?

Why is it I can't be selfish? Why does it feel like every time I'm the nice guy, I finish last?

I think the answer is because I'm not the nice guy. I pretend, I try, I strive... but I'm not good enough. Despite my 'Hero' outer personality, I've got something much darker lurking below the surface that is just waiting for me to break. And the worst part of it is... I kinda wish I would. Just to see if maybe in the end, that will make me happy, make me stronger, make all the abusers and liars go away.

My God, there's something wrong with me.

Friday: Go out to a car shop to get a new CD-MP3 unit put in my awesome 2001 Dodge Intrepid I bought last August. The music unit was a graduation gift from my parents. I pull out of there with a huge smile on my face at 2:20 PM, enjoying my new tunes. Grab a late lunch, then set on my way to my apartment in West Lafayette to finish some cleaning and prepare for my actual graduation ceremony that night (it's roughly a 1hour 40min drive from where I was). Half an hour down the road after lunch (approx. 3:30PM at this point) I get smoke coming out the back of my car. I pull over at a gas station, shut the car down and pop the hood and find more smoke and splattered oil. After cursing to myself for about half a minute, I call my Dad, who comes out (it takes him 20 minutes to get to where I was). We try to get the car home, but it breaks down completely about 3 miles down the road. The engine won't even start. Called a friend's father, who is a mechanic, and he says to get it towed to him and he'll look at it that night.

There I was, mega-bummed. I bought the car because I liked it, hadn't really gotten to drive it all that much (maybe 5000 miles total on my part), and the engine is already having trouble. Not to mention that my parents had just put a $300 stereo unit in it that I got to listen to for all of about half an hour. To top it off, I didn't make the graduation ceremony.

Saturday: All kinds of trouble with a friend of mine. I don't want to go into it, but I see the list of people I can trust dwindling fast.

Sunday: Find out the engine is completely shot. To replace the right way, I'm looking at about $3700 (which I don't have). The alternative is to buy a new car, off the lot. I don't like that idea. I want MY car back. I didn't settle when I picked it, I bought the one I wanted with the money I'd saved. But that might not be an option... so I might be looking at trying to get a loan that I'm not sure I have the credit for.

Add all this car and friend stress to my grandpa having cancer and me not being sure if I have a job after July and basically... it's been a really shitty weekend. Perhaps the worst of my life, and certainly the worst of the past 3 years. However, I did find out today that I have a great shot at getting a Site Director position at the YMCA Before and After school at my old site for next school year, so I guess that's something slightly uplifting.

Tags: bad luck, life

What is fate? Is there a such thing as 'destiny?' Do all things happen for a reason? Or is it all arbitrary, the construct of an infinite series of action/reaction scenarios?

The scientist and historian in me say that the latter is the truth. All things should follow a logical course. Trends and paradigm shifts and progress dictate actions and events which trigger reactions.

But that doesn't seem completely correct to me. Some things can not be boiled down to simple logic. Emotions, for example, are much more complex than what biologists (particularly, neurologists) have described as varying chemical reactions in the brain. Why? Because the chemical reactions are not always the cause, sometimes they are triggered by an outside force, an event, a chance meeting, what have you.

The part of me that has some faith left believes that the concept of fate could be equally as important as the action/reaction system. It could be that A must lead to B, but if the cards were stacked a certain way, every reaction would lead to an inevitable outcome, namely the outcome dictated by fate.

This concept is even more bleak than the previous. Does this mean that nothing we do in this world matters? Maybe the actions/reactions are not what's arbitrary... maybe we are.

This entire blog is perhaps an example of this confrontation. My emotions confuse me. The ramifications of these emotions strikes me as odd. The potential meaning behind the emotions push me to consider certain actions, which leads to me thinking about the progress of my life over time and fate (and the people that say I seem to have the most peculiar luck, being that it is never inherently good or bad, but always exactly as it needs to be when it needs to be). This meandering line of thought takes me to philosophical debates with myself that in turn overshadows the action trigger event.

The conclusion, then, is that emotions are allowed to break the laws of logic, I make no sense, and life is confusing. Of course, this does nothing to answer the question of fate, which I guess just means that it is merely a matter of outlook.

If this blog did not confuse you, you are far wiser than I am.

Tags: emotions, fate, life, the past
Current Location: A Nowhere Place
Current Mood: confused
Current Music: Cloud Connected by In Flames

I have a rough draft of a major (and I mean MAJOR) research paper due on Monday, and I can't even seem to focus on doing research right now. I've tried for about the past 3 hours and I've gotten one thing.

This. Is. LAME!

Oh, and then there's another paper due the following week, before Thanksgiving Break. This teacher doesn't seem to like my approach very much, and quite frankly, his approach does not interest me in the least. I do COMPARATIVE history research and work. He wants chronological facts and such. That's boring. That's the kind of crap that people in high school history hate. And it goes against EVERYTHING I've been taught about the academic work of history since starting here at Purdue. That, and the course has a resounding pro-Imperialist theme to it... and I'm not about to write something supporting imperialism. I also have not begun to research for this paper either, but clearly, I lack the power to care on this one...

Current Mood: Nonexistant

I've tried to write 3 posts or so since that last one, and each time I get started, I realize I really don't have much to talk about. That leads me to believe that my life, is in fact, boring. And I don't like that. I need to change that.

One thing of note would be my nephew Kole's baptism on the 4th of October. Had a great time, and that little guy is amazing (but I do think that of all of my nieces and nephews, so big surprise there, hehehe). I was the godfather, which was an immense honor. It was also one of my first experiences with a full Catholic Mass. It wasn't as bad as most people play it up as, really. In fact, my only complaint is that it was highly ritualized (as in, the experience wasn't a personally moving one, there were so many things from the Catholic culture itself that you just have to know to understand... and I didn't know, so there was a lot I didn't understand), however, I think our particular priest did an amazing job relating messages that are over 2000 years old in some cases to a modern crowd. Without being boring, even.

Well, that was my take on it anyways.

Tags: baptism
Current Location: A Nowhere Place
Current Mood: determined
Current Music: nothing, for a change...

I've been having trouble sleeping again. That always sucks. Perhaps worse though, when I do manage to sleep, I usually have unpleasant dreams. A while back (we're talking years here), I remember posting a blog about one of my dreams involving a few standard figures, including some bizarre man made out of smoke and light, a friend of mine that passed away in high school, a voice that calls me on the phone with various bits of information, a woman that tries to give me directions when I get lost in this forest full of shadows, and stuff like that... so all weird stuff that incidentally would make an interesting novel.

The one I had last night really stuck with me though.

It started like a normal dream... was doing random crap with friends, ended up repeating part of things that really happened Saturday night, then in my dream, I was in my room, getting ready to go to sleep... until the phone-voice called and told me that I was needed immediately back in Cicero. So I drive back there as fast as I can just to find the whole town on fire, at which point the man of smoke and light shows up and tells me I could have avoided it all if I had completed my 'training', which was an aspect of a previous dream. I try to run into the town and see if I can save people, but every time I try, they punch and kick me and then burst into flame themselves.

I look over at smoke and light man and tell him I've done all I can, and that I can't do anything for them that they aren't willing to do themselves. Then he snaps and freezes the flames in place and tells me "That was something you should have learned long ago. Too bad you let him destroy your town to prove it." I ask who 'he' is and am told "Karzedna, of course. Your very own dark side." Now... this was weird for several reasons, chief among them being that Karzedna is a fictional character I made up for Herendil, the Demon Lord of Fear and Nightmares, and I've never considered him to be any part of me. I told the smoke and light man that and he laughed, saying "Don't be so sure. You began walking the path of the hero when you first realized that you were fully capable of horrible, destructive deeds, when you first realized that if you didn't change yourself, you would become a hateful being. You set out to repress that in yourself by helping other people, and by truly coming to love your fellow human beings. The problem is, lately, you've decided that you can't walk that path any longer, that you aren't making a difference and should stop trying."

I tell smoke-and-light that he's full of it, and walk away. I try to drive back to Purdue, but end up coming to the forest instead. So I go in, walking as deep into the mysterious woods as I can, not really caring where I go. Three different figures approach me from three different directions. From one side comes the woman that gives directions, from another comes someone I met this weekend, and from the third comes Karzedna, in the flesh. First, I turn to Karzedna and ask him why he destroyed Cicero and he replies "Because you've insured that your days in Cicero will always hold you down. I did you a favor." I try to strike him, only to find that I hit myself, and that he's gone. Next, I turn to the direction giver and ask her how to find Karzedna, and she tells me "I can't find him, but that's not what's important." Then I ask her how to get out, to which she says "You've chosen the wilderness, so you must decide for yourself which path to take." Not quite sure what that means, I decide that she won't be any help this time, so I turn to the other girl, but she talks before I can. "You must choose which monster you will become. Only then can I tell you if he can be tamed." Both women disappear, and I walk around the forest aimlessly, until I find the road. I sit down at the side of the road, and everything is silent. I try to ask which direction I should walk (to no one in particular), but my voice doesn't come out. So I sat there until I woke up.

Quite odd, I'd have to say... And as usual, I have no idea if it's just a weird, creepy dream, or if it holds some meaning (be it divine/supernatural or psychological in nature). Given the way this one turned out, I'm not even sure I want to know.

Meh...

Tags: dreams, nightmares
Current Mood: confused

The calm before the storm? Hardly. I am the storm.

So many radical things have happened these past few weeks. Heck, so many radical things have happened this summer. I truly will miss what this summer has meant to me, but moving forward is the only choice I've got, right? Especially since it's already begun. I don't know what it is, but I haven't felt this upbeat, this confident and prepared, since High School.

Being a Site Director at the YMCA was pretty cool. There were aspects of the regular Camp Counselor job that I missed, like the level of sheer interaction with the campers that I didn't have in the supervisor role so much, but in general, I feel like things went well. Didn't have any medical emergencies, and pissed off parents were at a general minimum. Perhaps best of all, I already got offered a job next summer at the camp I used to work at as the new Site Director. If I don't have a 'real job' by then, I believe I'll be taking him up on that offer.

Got to see Rush in concert at Verizon. Woot! It was great. They even played one two of my favorites, one of which was pretty obscure, considering their following over the last 30 years. And I bought an awesome (if overpriced) shirt.

And then there's the new car... it's not what I expected I'd get, but I think I'm going to like it.

For the first time, I truly feel ready to return to Purdue. I'm going to finish things right, especially since I didn't start them right. This is my declaration of intent. This year will be unlike any other I've had, and if I can help it, for the better.

Peace out everyone, hope life is treating you well!
-Joshua

PS... if I go crazy, then will you still call me Superman?

Tags: summer
Current Location: Between here and tomorrow
Current Mood: excited
Current Music: Come Alive by the Foo Fighters

Title really has nothing to do with this blog post, just a line from a poem I've been working on for a few days. Yeah, I'm actually putting thought into one for a change instead of just letting it flow out of me. So far the results have been interesting.

But that's not why I'm here today, after so long an absence from the world of livejournal. I've come here to say that I've seen many amazing things this summer. Most amazing of all is that I have seen that there is in fact hope for this world. As usual, my YMCA campers have managed to open my eyes once again and remind me why I've decided who I want to be and what I want to do.

And another thing, not that I will say anything less than cryptic... the chains have been broken. Freedom is close.

Until the sands of time turn to glass...

Sorry, no pseudo philosophicalness this time... just a long list of things I have done since the last post and a longer list of things I have yet to do... meep.

So... I'm pretty much ready for school to be over for the semester. I haven't ever been this mentally worn down in my life... which is saying quite a bit given all the drama and difficulties I had my freshman year here at Purdue. This semester hasn't been bad. In fact, I've enjoyed the nonschool aspects of it a lot. But my brain is tired. I don't really have time to do the things I want to do (with the exception of the last several days, more on that in a bit) because my homework load makes the Great Wall of China look like a line in the sand. Along with that, I haven't been home in quite a while, and that's starting to gnaw at me too.

But once this semester ends, I'll be working at the YMCA summer camps as usual... as a Site Director this year. Exciting and somewhat frightening all rolled into one, I'd say.

On a writing note, the last several days have been busy. Legacy of Warriors got kicked off once again. I'm plugging away at Chapter 2 as we speak. Over all I am much more pleased with this version than I have been with all the previous incarnations, which I guess is good, because aside from the minor edits that I will undoubtedly conduct on it, this is going to be the last version. I just need to get this over with so I can push forward with new things, which it seems I have in no short supply now.

Herendil notes have been happening, even though I doubt any serious work on Herendil is going to happen for a while. And I'm gearing up for a MayTCIIWriMo, with an aim of 40k words. At first, I wanted to close TCII out, but I don't think I'll be able to do that in May. However, I gotta do it before summer is out, and what better way to insure that happens than to kick the summer off with a large chunk of it out of the way?

And a new work joins the queue of things I have to write, this one being a very Dragonball-esq story about some extraordinary youngsters fighting off the demons that plague the world while trying to bring about a perfect land of peace known as the Realm of Eternal Summer (yes, very much based off of the Vision of Summer in the Pendragon Series by Stephen R. Lawhead). No idea when I'll get to that... probably sometime after TCIII, and maybe even after I write the One-shot Dark Overlord Saga, although I'm thinking after finishing the Tralos Trilogy, I'm going to want something more lighthearted to work on than DO.

The end (of the semester) is near... repent (for procrastinating)!

Tags: herendil, legacy of warriors, purdue, seeking summer, summer, tralos trilogy
Current Location: Busyland!
Current Mood: artistic
Current Music: White Walls by Still Remains

I feel like it's been a thousand years since I last posted, even though it's been less than a week. But oh, praise to Heaven, it's been a good less than a week.

A friend from when I used to live in Ohio (before I turned ten) got in contact with me on Myspace. I hadn't talked to her since early high school or so. And it's crazy because even though the last time I actually saw her we were running around the old apartments pretending to be ninjas, even though we've both 'grown up' a lot since then... I think we're both basically the same people. I would not feel strange at all if I ran into her on the street and ended up hanging out.

School work has been the same as always. Had to write a short story for my grad level history class though. I think it turned out decent enough to try and salvage and work with. So I probably shall, some day.

Purdue had a rockin' game in the NCAA basketball tournament today. Boiler up!

I think... well, I think that with the increased level of things that have been happening lately, I'm either gearing up for something amazing or a huge kick back down to Earth. Naturally, I'd prefer the first option.

Current Location: Somewhere on the mountain
Current Mood: cheerful
Current Music: some new song from the Lostprophets... not sure what the name is...